~ Betsy Salkind...Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Jean Kerr...The only reason they say “Women and children first” is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Prince Philip...When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Emo Philips...A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Harrison Ford...Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Spike Milligan...The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Jean Rostand...Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars, but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ WH Auden...We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ Jonathan Katz...In hotel rooms, I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Johnny Carson...If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Warren Tantum... (School photo album).I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Steve Martin...Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Jimmy Durante...Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Doug Hanwell...America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ George Roberts...The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ Jonathan Winters...If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Robert Benchley...I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ John Glenn...As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind: every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ David Letterman...America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ Howard Hughes...I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Old Italian proverb...After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
This is a great place to share a joke or three...
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